I'm realizing I'm supposed to be a part of something big. Radical. Life-changing. World-shaking. Mind-boggling. And I realize, I'm not ready. It's crazy because I know. And yet, it's almost as if the minute I say "I'm ready" I'll be whisked off on this incredible journey that my heart screams for. And is willing to die for. At some point. But I'm not ready. Or maybe I don't want it. Not yet anyway.
It almost feels like nothing and everything is happening all at the same time. The excitement freezes up into fear and then melts into estactic-ness all over again.
I realize God's just waiting on me to be willing. And to be used. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't playing hide-and-seek with Him at this very moment. I almost feel like Jonah; just about ready to do whatever it takes to out-run and out-hide Yahweh. As long as I don't have to do what I think He's looking for me to do. And yet, isn't this what I've been waiting for--something big; something radical; something life-changing?
I'm never really that careful with what I wish for... because I tend to wish for bigger things that I'm never really that ready for.
And yet, somehow I am. It's just that safety net I have to scoot over onto the edge of it and look down. Whether it's too far down or the landing is in view, there's a landing somewhere. And I know that He'll never let me fall so far down that I can't be saved. I do somehow always expect that He's not going to challenge me. And that He'll keep me comfortable. Because "bad things" aren't supposed to happen to me. They happen to other people, but not me. I somehow feel like I merit good days 365 times a year; and then some. But the truth of the matter is, He doesn't want me to be comfortable... He wants me to live up to my highest potential and a lot of times, almost always, probably moreso always, that requires uncomfortable nudges that turn
into pushes when I try to resist.
I used to always be afraid that if I don't do it, who will? The truth is, God will use someone else & choose to bless someone else with the opportunity. And then I'll be back to wishing for newer things to happen and wondering why they never do.
It's the every day battle between the spirit and the flesh... the desire for courage and bravery over the easy cop-outs that in the long run are long-forgotten.
I'm working on it.