Wednesday, July 29, 2009

So it finally happened...

Kayla: "Auntie, are you going to live with Chris?"
Me: "Yes. In California."
Kayla: "Oh. Are you going to come home?"
Me: "... but I'll have a home with Chris."
Kayla: "Aww... but I'm going to miss you, Auntie."

Broke. My. Heart.

And I did it.

The other night, I let myself cry and grieve my journey to getting here. It's weird with this trip coming up to SoCal tonight (my flight leaves at 9:45 pm and lands at 11:30 pm). I almost feel guilty because I'm not completely excited like I "should" be. I mean, shouldn't I be? I'm seeing the soon-to-be-hubs and we're going to apartment/home shop and spend time with this family... but in the midst of this, I won't be here to spend a weekend of "nothing" with my family. I tear up every time I think about it now. Is it okay that I feel this way?

I'm terrified.

When does the missing stop hurting so much?

I'll miss my little Kayla, Anela, Meya, & Kezzy.
I'll miss Hli and Paaj and the BFF bond only we've been able to share.
I'll miss Mom and her nagging/teaching me how to be a better woman after God's own heart.
I'll miss Dad's quirks of learning useless information just to school waiters/waitresses at their own restaurant.
I'll miss Cheng's blaring electric guitar playing on Saturday mornings.
I'll miss Josh's stupid alarm clock that I've woken up many times just to storm into his room to completely unplug it instead of just turning it off.
I'll miss the birthday dinners that are so carefully planned so no one is missing.
I'll miss the Thanksgiving dinners that Cheng and Josh actually volunteer to cook.
I'll miss the time I spend with my sisters knowing that we can vent to each other about ANYthing.
I'll miss the best hugs and kisses in the world from the little kiddies.

And it hurts every time I think of those things.

I can't wait for this journey into marriage with the most amazing man ever, but I can't help but wish that somehow, if it was possible, I'd move everyone to our own private island where no one would ever have to leave. I guess that's what Heaven is for. I know, I act like somehow I won't be able to visit. That's just it, isn't it, though? Next time, it won't be "coming" home to MN... it'll be visiting.



  1. Ugh, I know you are so sad. But it WILL get better. I know that for a fact!

  2. Awww so sad! Bless your heart.

  3. I hope you are having the time of your life there! Don't look over your shoulder but ahead to many blessings that God will bring. I know you're worried but hard work will pay off in the end. I know you can do it. You're strong. :) Remember all the stupid things we cried over about? lol. We will still be here. I can't wait to see you in September! :) We will have to hang out bc that'll be our last time before you marry!

  4. Aww I'm soo sorry sweetie..your journey will be amazing and how excited will the girls be when they can come visit auntie in cali! : )

  5. *Hug*

    With just about good step forward we tend to look back and review where we've been, or could possibly stay - with nostalgia or angst against the new day.

    Truly, it will be okay :-)
    The joy tomorrow helps wash
    away the pain of today:
    with perhaps even better days.

    Not trying to be cliche but support
    with what I have and anyway,
    that could soothe you, truthfully.